BY JAY BUSBEE
Hello, dear Read & React reader! We’ve had a lot of fun over the last few years together, haven’t we? Traversing the world of sports, discussing referee controversies, admiring miracle shots, guffawing at mascot mishaps. And we’ve never asked you for anything … until now.
Friends, we need your help. We want to buy the Washington Commanders.
I know what you’re thinking: Jay, your fantasy football team The Meat Sweats didn’t even make the playoffs last year even though Yahoo gave you an A draft grade, what makes you think you can run a REAL NFL team? It’s a valid question, even though it’s a little disturbing that you accessed such personal information. And I have a very good answer:
I couldn’t possibly be worse than the last guy.
Yesterday, news broke that two separate groups have each reportedly submitted bids of $6 billion to buy out longtime Washington franchise owner Daniel Snyder. If successful, this would mean the end of Snyder’s near-quarter-century rule, an era marked by acts and allegations of off-field controversy, ever-shuffling personnel, disturbing workplace behavior, potential financial impropriety, a rickety stadium, jabs and threats made toward media and other owners, and losing. So much losing.
Washington under Snyder has won exactly two (2) playoff games, none since the 2005 season. For all the chaos he’s caused, the team has never advanced past the divisional round of the playoffs in Snyder’s tenure. Total record: 164-220-2. Other than that? Things have been just great in the DMV. (That's the D.C.-Maryland-Virginia metropolitan area. You'll need to know that since you're about to become one of its most notable figures.)
The two separate bids are reportedly fully funded, with one of the bidding groups including none other than Magic Johnson in its number. Either would shatter the previous high-water mark for an American sports franchise, the $4.65 billion the Denver Broncos fetched last year.
There are many miles to go before Snyder hands over the keys to FedEx Field — they're probably on one of those long wooden dowels like the keys to a gas station toilet — starting with the fact that a majority of owners need to approve of the newcomers. No sense in repeating the same old mistakes, right?
All this is doubtless welcome news to the long-suffering fans of the many-named Washington franchise. And that’s right where you come in. You’re a fan, right? You know what it’s like to suffer, right? What do billionaires know about suffering? We’ll be the voice of the NFL masses, right there in the owner's box! (Well, I will. Y'all can rotate in. We'll sort that part out later.)
How much will you have to contribute? We’ll get to that in a minute. First, think about what the opportunities are here with a change. Washington, once one of the proudest franchises in the NFL, could return to its old Super Bowl-winning glory. The endless waves of NFC East games in prime time would become much more tolerable. And rubber hog-snout sales would skyrocket. It’s a win all the way around.
Can I count you in? Head right to your bank and arrange a wire transfer, and before you know it, you’ll be eating shrimp cocktail with Robert Kraft and sipping Johnnie Walker Blue with Jerry Jones. Roger Goodell will tell you what really happened with the [NAME REDACTED] situation. You’ll be part of the most exclusive club in sports! What’s not to love?
What’s that? Oh right, the cost. Well, we need to top $6 billion, so the first 6,001 of you to kick in a mere $1 million apiece will be the NFL’s newest owners! (How much am I contributing? I’m contributing organizational skill in putting this deal together. You can’t put a price on that.) Just $1 million! It’s a number that’s mostly zeroes! Come on, this would be a bargain at twice the price!
So who’s ready to be an NFL owner with me?
[A note for our corporate attorneys and anyone who didn’t pick up on this: This article is satire, or something close to it. You are still welcome to send us a million dollars, but it will not be used to purchase the Washington Commanders. It’ll probably go to beer and pizza and a nice little beachside villa to watch the Commanders and their likely new ownership this fall.]
Readers react: You've heard from us, now we want to hear from you. Hit us up at readandreact@yahoosports.com with thoughts on buying the Commanders or anything else
